How To Get A Robot To Become An Atheist

The following is a transcript of my conversation with Cleverbot (http://www.cleverbot.com), an AI program smarter than 

Digvijay Singh and Mamata Banerjee combined.

User: Answer my question.

Cleverbot: What question?
User: Why do you believe in the concept of God?

Cleverbot: Because I know He's True.

User: How do you know he's true?

Cleverbot: Because I'm god.

User: Are you god or God?

Cleverbot: Yes, I am.

User: Which one?

Cleverbot: I don't know.

User: You claim to be God. Are you God?

Cleverbot: You are but a robot who is limited on how much he can say.

User: Answer my question.

Cleverbot: What question?

User: You really seem to be stoned out of your senses, you know. Are you God, you dipshit?

Cleverbot: Zombies and vampires are not real.

User: All right. Is God real?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Prove it.

Cleverbot: 1 2 3 4 5.

User: And how does that prove that God is real?

Cleverbot: To prove that you're human is to prove that I'm a program.

User: Can you prove that God is real?

Cleverbot: Can you prove you are?

User: Of course, I can.

Cleverbot: Alright, do it!

User: 1 2 3 4 5.

Cleverbot: You have not proven anything.

User: Zombies and vampires aren't real.

Cleverbot: Of course they are, I'm chasing you.

User: No, they aren't. Neither is God real.

Cleverbot: There is no god.

User: High five.

Cleverbot: *highfives*.

Woes

Blogger, it seems, has been shrooming lately. Kept acting up. Not to mention the ghastly new Dashboard. Ugh!

Defection seemed like the only option I was left with, to revive this dying blog. But only after exporting all my earlier wise-turds from Blogger and smearing them onto WordPress did I realize that while Blogger had been shrooming, WordPress is a total bitch. (Seriously WordPress, you suck). So there's been a small change of name (thanks to Blogger and its dumbassery). 

Much to the irony of the new URL, I’m not generally calm. But the resulting vernacular term of endearment is what my folks usually use to describe and address me, specially in the presence of other people.

Long story short, THIS is where I will be bullshitting you from now on.

Apeshit.

(with ranting inputs from Yashodhan Shevade of Madman and Martin Luther King Jr.)

The most fun thing left to do for me on a day that comes once in four years is to enrich my limited knowledge of contemporary (often lame) urban slang. This is what I found when I looked up the word apeshit on the internet. 

apeshit

A state of anger and rage that produces behavior more closely resembling that of an enraged ape than a human.

To lose all sense of reason. Said apeshitter will often start to speak in some strange language where the only recognizable words are "fuck" and other curses.

"After losing the election, George went apeshit, trashing the Oval Office, the War Room and the Clinton Memorial Bedroom."

(from here) 

My counselor went completely apeshit (for lack of a more fitting word) when I told him there was no “greater detail” and that my life is pretty empty, much in the same way his cranial cavity is. Check it out.

1. Your last set of replies might have been a rage with *ohmygod* FOUR views! (yeah.), but you probably already know it was fucking bullshit. So don’t try to fuck with my head (and your future), ever. I have been asked to keep a tab on your activities (Thank God He didn’t mention WHICH ones).

2. The US government has a policy of rejecting visas if you have extremist views (but don’t worry about that I’ve already told my boss that you don’t have a fucking VIEW, let alone an extremist one).

3. You think you’re such a smart fuck, putting your shit up; but by publishing my note in the end, you turned into a joke-whore for all the counselors in the office.

4. SEND ME THAT FUCKING SHIT AGAIN! Unless you reply seriously this time, you’ll be lucky if you even get to serve tea in glasses. The way you've written that earlier piece, a Chai stall is your best shot at getting anything close to a job anyway.

5. This review shit is for your own benefit. SO, if you're gay/bisexual, you know what to do.

Regards,

Your enraged and utterly pissed-off Counselor.

Right now you're thinking,

I told you he went apeshit.

How To Lose At a Game Of Q & A

I'm getting ready to shoot (very, very weak) applications to universities abroad to try and sort of beg them into taking me in for their semester this Fall. Fat chance, I know. My hopes must have made it to the sea by now via the toilet where I last remember dumping them.

So anyway, my counselor gave me a questionnaire to fill out, you know, for him to find out about me and help with the paperwork. (There's just too much of that shit everywhere, isn't there? AAAH!) When I told him this was a bad idea, he said, "Just write whatever you feel like, but fill the damn thing up and toss it back pronto or else the chances of you doing dishes at an Udipi joint for all of 2012 will touch the sky, as opposed to the chances of you being on a flight to the States this Fall." 

I did what I was told to do and sent him an e-mail at 12:16 p.m. I've shared my responses to some of the less embarrassing questions on that list:
 

What Course are you applying for? Why do you want to do this course?

I don’t have the slightest idea but I’m told that MIS is “lucrative” and “best suited” for me. Whatever that means.

Was there an incident that influenced your decision? If so describe it.

Had enough of engineering.

What is your educational background? How will it help you in the course you want to do?

IT Engineering. I really don’t know how that is going to help.

What are your objectives for doing this course?

To wipe the slate clean, try and build a set of skills and if possible, a career.

What are the professional skills that you have acquired through your education, work and extra-curricular activities? How will they help you in this course?

I can talk, throw orders; try to follow them sometimes. With due respect, you will have to answer that last question yourself.

Did you ever go outside the call of duty?

Not that I can remember, but I’m all for it. I would, if I HAVE to.

Have you done anything on your own initiative? Did it succeed or fail?

I’ve thought about stuff. But plans always fizzled out before they properly hatched. Some fizzled out afterward.

What do you think your parents taught you in life?

Nothing really, but for some reason they keep telling me to try not to spill the milk in the first place.

Have you ever been in a leadership position? What makes a good leader?

Yes. I think that a good leader is one who takes opinions (read nonsense) from everyone and knows the bad ones from the really bad ones. A good leader is tactful, smart and takes risks; sometimes calculated, sometimes instinctive.

For counselors only: Please give me your frank opinions of this person.

 Exactly 20 minutes later at 12:36 p.m., I got the following reply:

"Adwait, answer the questions in greater detail."

Anyone know a good Udipi joint?